A short,comic play for the Holidays
Sunday, July 13, 2003
S.A.D
by Michael Buss
Version: 07/12/2003
busstop9@adelphia.net
Copyright: Michael C. Buss, Santa Ana, California. July 2002.
CHARACTERS
HENRY HUFFINGTON 21-40. A patient
MOLLY CODDLE 25-45. A nurse
DIXON DICKSON 30-50. A doctor
TIME
The present. It is the Holiday season and minimal stage accoutrements yield some clues.
SETTING
A small lecture room in a hospital. AT RISE Henry is standing center stage. He looks up and out at the audience. His head is bandaged.
HENRY
Let's get this clear - I'm not here for the fun of it. I've been paid and I have ten minutes. But if I don't enjoy them, I don't see why you should either. This is a frickin' miserable time of year. Basically it starts right after Labor Day when the freeways clog up with, like, everyone driving to work and even more soccer mums driving their little brats to school in their stupid yellow Hummvees. But it gets suddenly worse at the end of October when the clocks fall back - the end of Day Light savings. As we get closer and closer to year end the darkness closes in like a suffocating cloak of thick, impenetrable depression. Now if you have any theatrical wit about you, if you were expecting this to be a play and not some empty-headed skit, let alone a medical demonstration, you may know 1), if I am the protagonist there will have to be an antagonist, and 2) you should expect to see an arc in my character. I start off like one thing; I end up like another. I want something, try and get it, face a few problems - and then get it. Let me tell you something - you are my antagonists, all of you, just by being here. And the staff in this God-forsaken institution. And there will be no arc. I am straight-lining this right to the end. There is nothing I want and I'm not going to get it.
ENTER NURSE MOLLY CODDLE. Her well-rounded frame and understated uniform bear some resemblance to a barmaid in a 3rd grade tavern. She carries a glass containing medicine and a medicine bottle - one in each hand.
HENRY (cont'd)
Ah, Nurse Molly Coddle approaches.
NURSE CODDLE
Good evening, Henry. And how are we this evening?
HENRY
How exceptionally ...
NURSE CODDLE
No - don't answer. It was just a social nicety - but one that will elude you until next March, when the days get longer again.
HENRY
I was going to say how exceptionally unpleasant to see you.
NURSE CODDLE
See what I mean?
HENRY
Are you on drugs? Have you just been screwed by that Doctor Dixon Dickson or are you maybe wearing a Janet Reno Halloween mask? Here, let me pull it off.
(Nurse Coddle is too fast for Henry and thrusts the glass and bottle into his outreaching hands. She dodges round behind him and places her hands on his shoulders and starts to push him down.)
NURSE CODDLE
Sit down! Thank you.
(Henry's mouth drop in amazement and Nurse Coddle pops a thermometer under his tongue. She pushes his jaw upwards to close his mouth.)
NURSE CODDLE (cont'd)
There we are. Just keep quiet for half a minute, okay? Doctor Dickson will be in to see you very soon. (To audience) He's a very difficult patient. But he agreed to this new, experimental procedure. It's never been tried before. We're not even sure if he believes we've done it. Eh, Henry?
HENRY
(Mumbling and gesticulating)
I can't talk with this thermometer in my mouth.
NURSE CODDLE
Well now we'll have to leave it in longer because you breathed through your mouth and made it cool again.
Henry glares at the Nurse.
NURSE CODDLE (cont'd)
Doctor Dickson put this diode in his brain near his optic chiasma - you know, where the bits of brain cross over. And he has a tiny solar panel in his skull to collect the light and send it down to the diode through an optical fiber. Clever, huh? You students can put that down in your notes. (Finds a pulse in his wrist and checks her watch.) Anyway, the diode stimulates the brain just as if he was getting sunlight through his eyes. This sends a message down to his pineal gland, which releases hormones to make him feel better. Oops - I forgot to count. Oh what the hell - It's always the same. (Marks his chart.) Now watch the dam burst!
(Slides the thermometer out of his mouth, reads it, and records the result on the same chart.)
HENRY
I don't believe you, and neither do they (indicates the audience). You can't do that. It won't work. You are all just conspiratorial clones pattering out the latest nouveau medic clichés to impress this gullible public and better still try to impress the Norwegians that you should be awarded some Nobel Prize for your head meddling frippery.
NURSE CODDLE
Drink your medicine!
HENRY
Don't speak to me like that. I'm not a little boy!
NURSE CODDLE
You are behaving like one. Drink it.
HENRY
Then can I have a cuddle, Coddle?
NURSE CODDLE
If you drink it all up. I'm waiting. (Long pause, then Henry chugs from the glass.)
HENRY
Uuurgghhh! Man that stuff is evil. Just like you.
NURSE CODDLE
Uh-uh! Naughty, naughty! No cuddles!
HENRY
This is a game we play. I do not want to cuddle her. I don't want to be coddled. I want to be left alone to enjoy being miserable without her interference. But she thinks she is irresistible and every man she meets wants to dive down her cleavage. I'm already suffocating without that, thank you.
ENTER Dr. DIXON DICKSON who strides imperiously to the center of the stage.
DICKSON
Good evening, everybody! (He is looking for a response.) I said Good Evening! (Waits.) There, that's better. What are you, voyeurs or students? You are here to learn; and to witness today one of the greatest and most daring experiments ever to ameliorate the baneful effects of Seasonal Affective Depression, or the Holidays Blues as some less sensitive souls call it.
HENRY
Get stuffed you over-inflated bat!
DICKSON
As you can see all normal civility has deserted this patient rendering him churlish, uncooperative and devoid of all optimism. He is unmoved even by the fulsome proximity of Nurse Coddle's alluring anatomy and cannot be cajoled into any sense of pleasure even by the normal delights and anticipations of the Holiday Season. Let me show you what I mean. Nurse Coddle - the Halloween experiment, if you please.
(CODDLE pulls a ghostly hood over her head but makes sure her comeliness is very evident. We hear ghoulish shrieks.)
NURSE CODDLE
Trick or treat?
HENRY
I'm not seduced by your cheap Marilyn Monroe impression. Gimme the trick.
NURSE CODDLE
Oooh! I don't think I have one. Everybody else likes the treat. (She stamps on his foot.)
HENRY
Ouch!
DICKSON
See what I mean? Quite unable to recognize a good thing when it's within his grasp. You see, many people get a little down as the days get shorter - which is why we compensate by filling the season with food and parties. Who among us does not love Thanksgiving. Nurse, the turkey experiment, if you please.
HENRY
It's not gonna work, I'm telling you.
(Nurse Coddle produces a delicious looking tray of Thanksgiving food and the rich music of (TBD) swells.)
NURSE CODDLE
(Playing Mother, now)
Everybody come and get it! Plenty of food and wine. Then I've baked a great pumpkin pie and little Harry will play his fiddle for us and we'll be so happy the Pilgrims came here to this great land.
HENRY
I'm a Vegan, you know that? I think the French were right about Iraq, okay. And even three hundred years after Independence we still have the British putting words into the mouth of the President in his State of the Union address.
NURSE CODDLE
There's no pleasing some people!
DICKSON
But maybe there is light at the end of tunnel - so to speak. At the very darkest time of the year the instincts of the ancients was to flood their homes with light to offset the depressing winter gloom. Jews and Christians alike celebrate with candles. Nurse, we will begin the light experiment.
HENRY
This is so ridiculous that if it were a play I'd say it was written by a member of OCPA, or worse, New Voices Playwrights, and that the press would slam the entire show in their reviews - if they ever bothered to even show up!
DICKSON
Aha - you see he is determined to straight-line this right through. No arc at all. But we shall see. Nurse, prepare to remove the bandages.
Once again Nurse Coddle sits Henry in the chair. She begins to undo the bandages.
HENRY
Hey, watch what you're doing. I have a headache.
DICKSON
I have implanted the diode deep in his brain. The solar panel embedded in his skull will pick up enough light from even the dim lights of evening and, after a few moments, trigger off bio-chemical and neural reactions which will give the effect of sunlight - even though the patient does not see any difference in his normal environment. Are you nearly ready, Nurse Coddle?
HENRY
God, you are a prattling old windbag, a charlatan and a quack! This is science fiction not medicine. My head is bandaged because I fell and cut it open on the garage door. That's the only reason I'm even in this frickin' hospital. But you said you'd pay me to stitch my head so I agreed to this little charade.
DICKSON
Sir, hold your tongue. I most certainly did not pay you! That would be the height of unethical behavior.
HENRY
Like all your silly experiments in front of these students were not equally unprofessional and degrading? But I've got my check. Ten minutes is nearly up and soon I'm going home.
DICKSON
Harrumpphh! We'll soon see about that. Nurse remove the gauze.
(With flourish she whips away the last covering to Henry's head.)
DICKSON (cont'd)
(checks the top of Henry's head)
There! Magnificent. The solar chip. It will slowly begin to absorb light and trigger the mechanism.
NURSE CODDLE
(In her Marilyn Monroe voice again)
Can you feel anything, Henry?
HENRY
NO! What did you expect? Some bloody miracle?
DICKSON
It will take time to work. We may have to add a little light bulb over the top and give you a switch so you can press it when you feel depressed. I like that! It sound good.
HENRY
It's not working!
DICKSON
Wait, I know. Nurse, get me a flash light. Maybe we can speed this up.
NURSE CODDLE
I already thought about that, Dr. Dickson. (She produces a small flashlight from somewhere down her front.)
DICKSON
Nurse Coddle, you are nothing but the most perfect complement to my innovative genius. Here, give it to me.
(Dickson stands behind Henry and shines the light on to the top of his head. The nurse kneels in front of Henry and to one side. There is a very long pause.)
HENRY
Nurse Coddle, I'm hungry. Could you just pass me that turkey leg?
NURSE CODDLE
(Scurrying around to get it)
Oh, yes, sure. Whatever.
DICKSON
Is anything happening?
HENRY
(Eating)
Nope! It's very boring.
NURSE CODDLE
(Whispering)
I thought you said you were a Vegan!
HENRY
Oh, come on. Now that would be boring. Get real girl.
NURSE CODDLE
I was only asking.
DICKSON
Maybe if I shine it even closer.
HENRY
Shine all you like. Do my stitches look okay?
DICKSON
They are very good. Tiny little clips. You can hardly see them. In a few weeks they will just brush out in your hair. Mind you - you will have to keep a little bald spot in the middle for this to work.
HENRY
Like a monk, eh? A monk with a chip on his head. Well, that's certainly original.
DICKSON
Will you just focus, please.
HENRY
Nurse, Coddle. What is the perfume you're wearing?
NURSE CODDLE
It's nothing. Just a splash of, I don't know, Nina Ricci or something.
HENRY
It smells gorgeous. It makes you look very alluring.
NURSE CODDLE
Really? You're not teasing?
DICKSON
Shut up you two and keep still.
HENRY
Look, I'm outta here in a couple of minutes. Once I've got freshened up would you like to .. maybe .. do dinner tonight? We could get a nice bottle of wine and, you know, just, hang out. (He begins to smile. Coddle nods in agreement.)
DICKSON
Sex, sex, sex. Nothing but sex. Get serious guys. This is medical history in the making. Is anything happening? Can you feel anything?
HENRY
I'm, I'm not sure. What is that you've got - and arc-light, or something?
DICKSON
An arc light, he says. An arc light. This is a medical theater not a playhouse.
HENRY
Well if it was it would be time to make an exit. (He rises to his feet and the Doctor can no longer continue his experiment.)
HENRY (cont'd)
No, no. Put it back. It feels good.
(Nurse Coddle gently takes the flashlight, cuddles close to Henry and positions the light back over his head. They begin to exit.)
DICKSON
Hey, what is this? I'm not done. You can't just leave. Class, class, you should ignore this unseemly disruption.
NURSE CODDLE
Have you got the check?
HENRY
(With a very broad grin)
Yes, I have. Got the money, got the girl, and seen the light. Happy Holidays!
END OF PLAY
by Michael Buss
Version: 07/12/2003
busstop9@adelphia.net
Copyright: Michael C. Buss, Santa Ana, California. July 2002.
CHARACTERS
HENRY HUFFINGTON 21-40. A patient
MOLLY CODDLE 25-45. A nurse
DIXON DICKSON 30-50. A doctor
TIME
The present. It is the Holiday season and minimal stage accoutrements yield some clues.
SETTING
A small lecture room in a hospital. AT RISE Henry is standing center stage. He looks up and out at the audience. His head is bandaged.
HENRY
Let's get this clear - I'm not here for the fun of it. I've been paid and I have ten minutes. But if I don't enjoy them, I don't see why you should either. This is a frickin' miserable time of year. Basically it starts right after Labor Day when the freeways clog up with, like, everyone driving to work and even more soccer mums driving their little brats to school in their stupid yellow Hummvees. But it gets suddenly worse at the end of October when the clocks fall back - the end of Day Light savings. As we get closer and closer to year end the darkness closes in like a suffocating cloak of thick, impenetrable depression. Now if you have any theatrical wit about you, if you were expecting this to be a play and not some empty-headed skit, let alone a medical demonstration, you may know 1), if I am the protagonist there will have to be an antagonist, and 2) you should expect to see an arc in my character. I start off like one thing; I end up like another. I want something, try and get it, face a few problems - and then get it. Let me tell you something - you are my antagonists, all of you, just by being here. And the staff in this God-forsaken institution. And there will be no arc. I am straight-lining this right to the end. There is nothing I want and I'm not going to get it.
ENTER NURSE MOLLY CODDLE. Her well-rounded frame and understated uniform bear some resemblance to a barmaid in a 3rd grade tavern. She carries a glass containing medicine and a medicine bottle - one in each hand.
HENRY (cont'd)
Ah, Nurse Molly Coddle approaches.
NURSE CODDLE
Good evening, Henry. And how are we this evening?
HENRY
How exceptionally ...
NURSE CODDLE
No - don't answer. It was just a social nicety - but one that will elude you until next March, when the days get longer again.
HENRY
I was going to say how exceptionally unpleasant to see you.
NURSE CODDLE
See what I mean?
HENRY
Are you on drugs? Have you just been screwed by that Doctor Dixon Dickson or are you maybe wearing a Janet Reno Halloween mask? Here, let me pull it off.
(Nurse Coddle is too fast for Henry and thrusts the glass and bottle into his outreaching hands. She dodges round behind him and places her hands on his shoulders and starts to push him down.)
NURSE CODDLE
Sit down! Thank you.
(Henry's mouth drop in amazement and Nurse Coddle pops a thermometer under his tongue. She pushes his jaw upwards to close his mouth.)
NURSE CODDLE (cont'd)
There we are. Just keep quiet for half a minute, okay? Doctor Dickson will be in to see you very soon. (To audience) He's a very difficult patient. But he agreed to this new, experimental procedure. It's never been tried before. We're not even sure if he believes we've done it. Eh, Henry?
HENRY
(Mumbling and gesticulating)
I can't talk with this thermometer in my mouth.
NURSE CODDLE
Well now we'll have to leave it in longer because you breathed through your mouth and made it cool again.
Henry glares at the Nurse.
NURSE CODDLE (cont'd)
Doctor Dickson put this diode in his brain near his optic chiasma - you know, where the bits of brain cross over. And he has a tiny solar panel in his skull to collect the light and send it down to the diode through an optical fiber. Clever, huh? You students can put that down in your notes. (Finds a pulse in his wrist and checks her watch.) Anyway, the diode stimulates the brain just as if he was getting sunlight through his eyes. This sends a message down to his pineal gland, which releases hormones to make him feel better. Oops - I forgot to count. Oh what the hell - It's always the same. (Marks his chart.) Now watch the dam burst!
(Slides the thermometer out of his mouth, reads it, and records the result on the same chart.)
HENRY
I don't believe you, and neither do they (indicates the audience). You can't do that. It won't work. You are all just conspiratorial clones pattering out the latest nouveau medic clichés to impress this gullible public and better still try to impress the Norwegians that you should be awarded some Nobel Prize for your head meddling frippery.
NURSE CODDLE
Drink your medicine!
HENRY
Don't speak to me like that. I'm not a little boy!
NURSE CODDLE
You are behaving like one. Drink it.
HENRY
Then can I have a cuddle, Coddle?
NURSE CODDLE
If you drink it all up. I'm waiting. (Long pause, then Henry chugs from the glass.)
HENRY
Uuurgghhh! Man that stuff is evil. Just like you.
NURSE CODDLE
Uh-uh! Naughty, naughty! No cuddles!
HENRY
This is a game we play. I do not want to cuddle her. I don't want to be coddled. I want to be left alone to enjoy being miserable without her interference. But she thinks she is irresistible and every man she meets wants to dive down her cleavage. I'm already suffocating without that, thank you.
ENTER Dr. DIXON DICKSON who strides imperiously to the center of the stage.
DICKSON
Good evening, everybody! (He is looking for a response.) I said Good Evening! (Waits.) There, that's better. What are you, voyeurs or students? You are here to learn; and to witness today one of the greatest and most daring experiments ever to ameliorate the baneful effects of Seasonal Affective Depression, or the Holidays Blues as some less sensitive souls call it.
HENRY
Get stuffed you over-inflated bat!
DICKSON
As you can see all normal civility has deserted this patient rendering him churlish, uncooperative and devoid of all optimism. He is unmoved even by the fulsome proximity of Nurse Coddle's alluring anatomy and cannot be cajoled into any sense of pleasure even by the normal delights and anticipations of the Holiday Season. Let me show you what I mean. Nurse Coddle - the Halloween experiment, if you please.
(CODDLE pulls a ghostly hood over her head but makes sure her comeliness is very evident. We hear ghoulish shrieks.)
NURSE CODDLE
Trick or treat?
HENRY
I'm not seduced by your cheap Marilyn Monroe impression. Gimme the trick.
NURSE CODDLE
Oooh! I don't think I have one. Everybody else likes the treat. (She stamps on his foot.)
HENRY
Ouch!
DICKSON
See what I mean? Quite unable to recognize a good thing when it's within his grasp. You see, many people get a little down as the days get shorter - which is why we compensate by filling the season with food and parties. Who among us does not love Thanksgiving. Nurse, the turkey experiment, if you please.
HENRY
It's not gonna work, I'm telling you.
(Nurse Coddle produces a delicious looking tray of Thanksgiving food and the rich music of (TBD) swells.)
NURSE CODDLE
(Playing Mother, now)
Everybody come and get it! Plenty of food and wine. Then I've baked a great pumpkin pie and little Harry will play his fiddle for us and we'll be so happy the Pilgrims came here to this great land.
HENRY
I'm a Vegan, you know that? I think the French were right about Iraq, okay. And even three hundred years after Independence we still have the British putting words into the mouth of the President in his State of the Union address.
NURSE CODDLE
There's no pleasing some people!
DICKSON
But maybe there is light at the end of tunnel - so to speak. At the very darkest time of the year the instincts of the ancients was to flood their homes with light to offset the depressing winter gloom. Jews and Christians alike celebrate with candles. Nurse, we will begin the light experiment.
HENRY
This is so ridiculous that if it were a play I'd say it was written by a member of OCPA, or worse, New Voices Playwrights, and that the press would slam the entire show in their reviews - if they ever bothered to even show up!
DICKSON
Aha - you see he is determined to straight-line this right through. No arc at all. But we shall see. Nurse, prepare to remove the bandages.
Once again Nurse Coddle sits Henry in the chair. She begins to undo the bandages.
HENRY
Hey, watch what you're doing. I have a headache.
DICKSON
I have implanted the diode deep in his brain. The solar panel embedded in his skull will pick up enough light from even the dim lights of evening and, after a few moments, trigger off bio-chemical and neural reactions which will give the effect of sunlight - even though the patient does not see any difference in his normal environment. Are you nearly ready, Nurse Coddle?
HENRY
God, you are a prattling old windbag, a charlatan and a quack! This is science fiction not medicine. My head is bandaged because I fell and cut it open on the garage door. That's the only reason I'm even in this frickin' hospital. But you said you'd pay me to stitch my head so I agreed to this little charade.
DICKSON
Sir, hold your tongue. I most certainly did not pay you! That would be the height of unethical behavior.
HENRY
Like all your silly experiments in front of these students were not equally unprofessional and degrading? But I've got my check. Ten minutes is nearly up and soon I'm going home.
DICKSON
Harrumpphh! We'll soon see about that. Nurse remove the gauze.
(With flourish she whips away the last covering to Henry's head.)
DICKSON (cont'd)
(checks the top of Henry's head)
There! Magnificent. The solar chip. It will slowly begin to absorb light and trigger the mechanism.
NURSE CODDLE
(In her Marilyn Monroe voice again)
Can you feel anything, Henry?
HENRY
NO! What did you expect? Some bloody miracle?
DICKSON
It will take time to work. We may have to add a little light bulb over the top and give you a switch so you can press it when you feel depressed. I like that! It sound good.
HENRY
It's not working!
DICKSON
Wait, I know. Nurse, get me a flash light. Maybe we can speed this up.
NURSE CODDLE
I already thought about that, Dr. Dickson. (She produces a small flashlight from somewhere down her front.)
DICKSON
Nurse Coddle, you are nothing but the most perfect complement to my innovative genius. Here, give it to me.
(Dickson stands behind Henry and shines the light on to the top of his head. The nurse kneels in front of Henry and to one side. There is a very long pause.)
HENRY
Nurse Coddle, I'm hungry. Could you just pass me that turkey leg?
NURSE CODDLE
(Scurrying around to get it)
Oh, yes, sure. Whatever.
DICKSON
Is anything happening?
HENRY
(Eating)
Nope! It's very boring.
NURSE CODDLE
(Whispering)
I thought you said you were a Vegan!
HENRY
Oh, come on. Now that would be boring. Get real girl.
NURSE CODDLE
I was only asking.
DICKSON
Maybe if I shine it even closer.
HENRY
Shine all you like. Do my stitches look okay?
DICKSON
They are very good. Tiny little clips. You can hardly see them. In a few weeks they will just brush out in your hair. Mind you - you will have to keep a little bald spot in the middle for this to work.
HENRY
Like a monk, eh? A monk with a chip on his head. Well, that's certainly original.
DICKSON
Will you just focus, please.
HENRY
Nurse, Coddle. What is the perfume you're wearing?
NURSE CODDLE
It's nothing. Just a splash of, I don't know, Nina Ricci or something.
HENRY
It smells gorgeous. It makes you look very alluring.
NURSE CODDLE
Really? You're not teasing?
DICKSON
Shut up you two and keep still.
HENRY
Look, I'm outta here in a couple of minutes. Once I've got freshened up would you like to .. maybe .. do dinner tonight? We could get a nice bottle of wine and, you know, just, hang out. (He begins to smile. Coddle nods in agreement.)
DICKSON
Sex, sex, sex. Nothing but sex. Get serious guys. This is medical history in the making. Is anything happening? Can you feel anything?
HENRY
I'm, I'm not sure. What is that you've got - and arc-light, or something?
DICKSON
An arc light, he says. An arc light. This is a medical theater not a playhouse.
HENRY
Well if it was it would be time to make an exit. (He rises to his feet and the Doctor can no longer continue his experiment.)
HENRY (cont'd)
No, no. Put it back. It feels good.
(Nurse Coddle gently takes the flashlight, cuddles close to Henry and positions the light back over his head. They begin to exit.)
DICKSON
Hey, what is this? I'm not done. You can't just leave. Class, class, you should ignore this unseemly disruption.
NURSE CODDLE
Have you got the check?
HENRY
(With a very broad grin)
Yes, I have. Got the money, got the girl, and seen the light. Happy Holidays!
END OF PLAY
